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JOKES
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:14 am    Post subject: JOKES Reply with quote

Gambling blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby ... Southern Girl needs some new clothes!"




As the dice came to a stop she jumped up-and-down ... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story:


Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men ... are men.

Laughing
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Check this out.
http://www.ladyskylar.com/swffiles/Brocolli.swf
Laughing Laughing
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Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Horse, A Chicken & the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell
into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at
the farm, he searched and searched for the
farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's
new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time
to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but
happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny
Harley, and he managed to grab hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley
back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none
the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to
the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and
straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab
his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him
out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled
him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there
IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need
A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" Wink
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!" Rolling Eyes
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Captain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your dog died."

"My dog? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell! There's electricity at the house!

What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver -- you're in deep shit!"
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have
frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, you are married now, and you
aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

..and, they lived happily ever after.
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show “Star Trek” and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek".
President Bush leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
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Ralph



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 572
Location: Lexington, Ky

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Big Grin
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"So Soon Old & So Late Smart"
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legalr



Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 163
Location: Wallingford, Vermont

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

bmcsheehy wrote:
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show “Star Trek” and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek".
President Bush leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."


If only our State Department would watch the show! ...or are you just happy to see me? ...or are you just happy to see me? ...or are you just happy to see me? Clapping Clapping Clapping
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Ralph



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 572
Location: Lexington, Ky

PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rednecks, Billy Bob and Luther, were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob said to Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go: Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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zentime



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 823
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:19 pm    Post subject: Inner Peace Reply with quote

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
>all use a little more calmness in our lives.
>
>By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
>inner peace.
>
>Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
>the things you've started and never finished."
>
>So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
>finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
>bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
>Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
>my
>old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
>a
>box of chocolates.
>
>You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
>
>Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

>
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Ralph



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 572
Location: Lexington, Ky

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Has worked for me for years Very Happy Hoppy, Hoppy, Hoppy
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit," St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man said. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a rough gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most intimidating of the bikers and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen," he asked.
To which the man responded, "Just a few minutes ago."
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 6:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

German Coast Guard
Takes a little time to down load.
http://home.comcast.net/~wmcsheehy/jokes/sinking.mpeg
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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