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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and
his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool
in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor, "this'll work."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count...


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
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Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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Ralph



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 570
Location: Lexington, Ky

PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 12:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE RULES OF KENTUCKY ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-65 and I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in Kentucky waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
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Ralph



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 570
Location: Lexington, Ky

PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:08 pm    Post subject: Investment Reply with quote

Subject: Investment advice

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank
all if the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had 214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg.

But What do I know Big Grin
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"
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docmike



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 630
Location: Eastern NC

PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A biker named Ralph is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says

- Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.

- Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

- Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?

- A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
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Mike Currin
93 BMW K1100RS / EML Speed 2000
89 Honda GB 500 (6,700 miles, all original except tires)
67 Triumph 650 chopper
92 Suzuki GS500 (eldest son)
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docmike



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 630
Location: Eastern NC

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.”

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, “You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
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Mike Currin
93 BMW K1100RS / EML Speed 2000
89 Honda GB 500 (6,700 miles, all original except tires)
67 Triumph 650 chopper
92 Suzuki GS500 (eldest son)
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bmcsheehy



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 971
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.

In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Laughing
_________________
Bill
High Performance Sidecaring... ...There is nothing "HACKED" about it.
2006 ZX-14 / HANNIGAN HP.
2011 Concourse / California Friendship III.
1936 Ford Fordoor Humpback
www.Yankee-Engineering.com
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docmike



Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 630
Location: Eastern NC

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive in movie?

They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Mike Currin
93 BMW K1100RS / EML Speed 2000
89 Honda GB 500 (6,700 miles, all original except tires)
67 Triumph 650 chopper
92 Suzuki GS500 (eldest son)
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zentime



Joined: 22 Jan 2005
Posts: 823
Location: Massachusetts USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:13 pm    Post subject: should math be taught in schools? Reply with quote

http://www.metatube.com/en/videos/64572/Miss-USA-2011-Should-Math-Be-Taught-In-Schools/
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CBR1100XX/EZS
1973 MotoGuzzi V7sport

will August ever come............
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Blast54



Joined: 14 Apr 2013
Posts: 19
Location: foster,RI

PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marvin and Big John are going to their HOG meeting when Big John sees a sheep with it's head stuck in a picket fence. Always one to not let a golden opportunity pass him buy, he pulls up short and tells Marvin to park the bike and that he is going first because he is leader of the club.
So Big John walks over to the fence, drops his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After a few minutes he backs off and tells Marv, "your turn next buddy".
Marvin walks over, drops his trousers and sticks his head in the fence.

____________________________________
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2004 BMW K1200GT/ Hannigan Bandito
Bill Kenney
Foster,RI
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